I've been thinking and thinking about this particular blog. I told Joel that I blogged again over Christmas and that I was contemplating telling the blog world that we weren't dating anymore. He said that the only way I could was if I told the blog world what a wonderful boyfriend he was, and that he's now on the market.. yadda.. yadda.. yadda..
When Joel was gone in Nashville and Alaska this last time in October, I did wayy too much thinking. I seriously contemplated if being with someone who was always traveling was something I wanted for the rest of my life. Before, I was okay with it, but for some reason, now I felt differently. I was 100% nervous for this conversation that was about to take place when he finally got home. But, of course, I was nervous for no reason. Joel and I had the best conversation ever and mutually decided that neither of us was 100% in it anymore and that there was no point on half-assing a relationship at 23 and 24. Joel needs to focus on his music and I need to focus on myself. We high-fived our decision, felt great and even refreshed and relieved. We met up with my friends, got champagne and cheers-ed to the new chapter in our lives. It was the best break up ever. My friends responded with, "Leave it to you guys to have the most mature break up ever." And that's exactly the thing, Joel and I have always had a very mature, loving, understanding relationship, that I have no idea why I was so nervous to talk to him about it. He has never been anything but understanding.That could be one thing that makes this especially hard, we still love each other and most likely will forever.
This next paragraph I'm a little ify about.. and I'm torn because blogging is totally taking a chance and voicing my intense thoughts to the world about an intense, very important thing that's going on in my life, with the chance of random people/ everyone reading it. So of course now that Joel isn't my "boyfriend" we have, I don't want to say the best relationship we've ever had, because our relationship has always been wonderful, but now, something has changed. We've been having so much fun together, have been laughing super hard and it feels like it did when we first started seeing each other almost 3 years ago. Which, ugh, it shouldn't be like that. Towards the end of our relationship, Joel said we kinda of lost "us" which brings me back to informing you that "neither of us were 100% in it anymore." So what will happen you ask? I don't know. Will not being together show us that we are supposed to be? I don't know. Are we being ridiculous and stupid for walking away from something so wonderful? I don't know that either.
Joel will be in Europe for the whole month of February doing his music thing and focusing on that.This is an experimental period/learning process for us. Being without him as my "boyfriend" for the last few months has forced some more serious, but necessary thinking on me. I feel like being 23, I shouldn't have a clue who I want to be with for the rest of my life. Do I feel like that person is Joel? I don't know. But I do know that I need to go on dates with, hang out with and just be with other people to discover that.
... I'll do my best.
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