It's hard to write about things that aren't joyful.

This post is dedicated to the current day, for making me feel things.
Today has really made me feel it all. I sometimes wish I were an artist, who paints to express herself when she's unable to form the words. Or to be like a musician, like the one I get to marry, when he feels so strongly about certain things that he just picks up his guitar and starts strumming and great things happen, he all around feels better.

So often, I pick up a piece of paper and pen and start writing and then my thoughts get away from me and my poor hand can't keep up with how fast my thoughts come from my mind. They're spewing out and can't be contained or stopped and my palm hurts and then I'm just annoyed that I feel these feelings and think these thoughts and can't even get them out on paper fast enough to make myself feel better, less anxious.
 You artists and musicians, you're so lucky. 

It's so odd writing about life experiences that aren't necessarily positive. Actually, I shouldn't even say that. Gosh, you have no idea how easy it is to type a ridiculous amount of words right now and then hold down the delete button and make my current page white again. It's hard to write about things that aren't joyful. 

I feel like every time I publish a blog, I go off on tangents. I have this set idea in my mind and then I start typing about something, my mind goes every which way and then I didn't even cross the point of the post or what I figured would be the point by the end of it. It's so weird that just typing makes me feel better than I did five minutes ago, but it also feels so vulnerable to put my words out there for just anyone to read. Literally anyone in the world can read this and feel things from reading it; they can agree with it and disagree with it and they have the ability to comment about my thoughts and feelings with their own thoughts and feelings. It's wild. I do my best to not feel stressed about it. Because that would truly defeat this purpose. 
Perhaps that's my point, to always leave here feeling better. That's what writing usually does for me. Perhaps that can be my undertaking, to hope that you read my thoughts and ponder your own and maybe feel lighter.

See what just happened there? I went off on a tangent about going off on tangents. 
Here's to being human! 

Today, I felt sadness, I cried, I laughed, I felt frustrated and like I didn't understand but wanted to, I felt slightly upset, I felt cold and alive, I felt warmed by the sun and grateful that it was out and then later, the sunset made me feel small and that there is just so much more to our daily lives than feeling frustration or sadness or any other feeling at that. Does the sunset do that to you too? 

I'm thankful that life sometimes hands me unfortunate events.
I feel as though we need trying and troubling times to better appreciate all the smooth and happy times. This balance is important. We need the sad times to be brought closer to the people in our lives, to show each other love and express how we feel towards one another at all times because you truly never know if it will be the last time we see one another. This is always something I could be better about. To never leave each other upset. To always leave your loved ones with kind words and a warm embrace. To always take the time to put your phone down and give each other undivided attention, especially when one is going through a harder time. To constantly be willing to connect. To always be respectful and say you're sorry or that you appreciate someone or love them. 
Never fear these actions and words. 
 
Tuesdays are usually a day that doesn't get much recognition but today is worth recognizing. We may have attended a funeral, we may have felt terribly sad, things may not have gone our way, conversations may have turned and it may have been a lot colder outside than it's been but we're still here, we're breathing, we're supporting each other, we're sad together, we'll get through it together. I felt sadness and I'm positive it doesn't even compare with the amount of sadness felt by others. That's being a human, feeling things, feeling for others, being in it together, side by side.

Jeez, there is probably no point to this post, yet again. I have simply rambled my feelings and stuff but I suppose I do feel better. I feel light. I feel the universe listening. I actually feel hungry now too. 
But anyways, life is crazy, sad, happy, weird, and a beautiful thing. 
Period. 
Oh! If I didn't quite make you feel good yet, I'm pretty sure if you're reading this you're fortunate enough to have a computer or laptop or cellphone, so that's cool and someone in your life loves you and at one point or another someone has probably pictured you naked and that probably made them happy in that moment so I hope you feel happy now too.

 

'BragBook'

Do you remember when you could only have a Facebook account if you were in college? Everyone in the world could have a MySpace account but you couldn’t have Facebook until you signed up with a college email address. I felt so excited in 2006 when I graduated high school, to finally be apart of this world. I’m pretty sure I left my college orientation that Fall and went home to set up my Facebook account. I blame it on the craze we went through, having giant cream colored box like things called computers with tiny black screens and green letters (which makes me feel a super intense desire to play Oregon Trail), to smaller desk top computers, having no cell phones and then getting big handheld Nokia phones that you had to pull the antenna out for for better reception. I blame it on the newness of it all; this technology based world that was about to slap us in the face and never let us walk away from. I’m sure some of my elders find this funny even, because they went through having absolutely none of these things to all of them.

Facebook started to feel different later on when all our parents, relatives and even grandparents joined. I’m sure some of us cut down on posting certain pictures or writing a particular status for fear of who would see it, it was already becoming an edited life. Think of what Mark Zuckerberg was trying to accomplish by allowing anyone and everyone the ability to join. Connections. He wanted to be able to connect people, whether it be for personal or business reasons and growth. 

I've been so turned off by something that used to make me feel excited and happy; something that used to take me over for hours on end, in a good way. I could never understand how people did not have a Facebook account. Like, what do you mean you don't have Facebook? I now fully understand how people do not have Facebook. You choose to connect with people in the only real way and I applaud you for that.

Facebook is what we make it, sure, but it's taken a turn towards being hurtful and negative and it sadly does not shock me anymore. I hate to say this. We've become a world where some of us only connect through text messaging, emails and Facebook messages and chats, Instagrams and Snaps, not through face to face conversation and definitely not voice conversations on the phone. This is something that I'm guilty of but am lately feeling a strong desire to bringing it back to where life once was, talking 'organically,' the old fashioned way. But then there's also the other side of it, understanding that most people these days will not connect with you in this way. Ahem, millennials-- (which had I been born six years earlier, I wouldn't be apart of. But I am and I do fit the labels to some extent). This is something that I need to understand and accept. I admit, sometimes I see your name on my caller ID and I just let it go to voicemail. But it's only cause we've conditioned our minds and personalities to become awkward and weird on the phone because we're only used to typing what we feel and what we need to say. We aren't comfortable just being human anymore apparently. How do we train ourselves to be more comfortable feeling and saying and being?

I once heard someone call Facebook “BragBook” and I find that it could not be more fitting. This may not necessarily be accurate anymore, cause I don't get on much to see every post, but a good majority of my friends only post life's accomplishments, times of happiness and successes. But we all have to understand that hardship is still there, even though it's rarely  posted about. Remember that each relationship, mine included, goes through hard times. It's not all sunshine and butterflies but I, myself, am guilty of only posting the happy times and neglecting to post the struggles. I find myself taking full part in BragBook. I post so infrequently because I have a hard time with thinking that I have to prove to the world that I live a happy life. I don't feel like I need to show people this in order to feel it, like that would solidify the feeling or something. This is my dilemma, people. I'm torn between showing and publishing the good, the bad, the extremely hideous and than having every single person and their Mother voice their opinions about my life. Can you imagine what it would be like to be a celebrity or well known person or blogger and to have to be stronger than everyone's unkind words and opinions of you that clearly nobody is afraid to post in the comment section of your Facebook, blog or life? I'm assuming they are confident hiding behind the screen and the typed words and probably would never say such things to your face, but I could be wrong. I have to remind myself that we are all so different and that is okay. We are entitled to our opinions.

Writing is therapy to me; it makes me feel happy, uplifted. But I have found that writing for myself and writing something knowing the world has the ability to read, well, that changes things. I'm a very straight forward person but I find myself editing my words, my pictures and only choosing to post tidbits here and there of the good and the positive. Although with the right mindset, there is little bad in life. It's a constant practice, always searching for the silver lining to the challenges and the sadness in life, but it can be done. It's much easier said than done, I admit. But it's definitely something to shoot for. I had someone confront me once, or assume, I should say, on Facebook, that I didn't understand struggle or hardship. It's not that I don't or haven't experienced it, it's just that I don't choose to post about it. But maybe I should. Would that make people understand that through all the happy and positive posts, I, and others, still feel low, sad, hurt and depressed at times? Because it's truly okay to feel these things even though people don't choose to post about them. 

The one negative that I've realized through avoiding Facebook is having no freaking clue what goes on in people's lives. The family far away or that you don't see often, the friends you've moved away from or simply people in your life that you see once and awhile, you are forced to connect with via snail mail, through sending a card, which I love, and just making it a point to reach out to them in order to meet up with them and connect face to face, have a real conversation. I always tell myself to get on Facebook real quick, before seeing certain people to see what's happening in their life recently, like you would do a bit of research before a job interview. It helps with striking up those conversations.

Instead of losing myself in scrolling through Facebook these days, I lose myself scrolling through blogs with beautiful pictures, stories of travel that make me consider changing my profession and constantly adventure around our amazing world. I loose myself in reading the words written by optimistic, inspiring and educated people with greater life experiences than myself. I loose myself in these outlets because it makes me feel happy and inspired and want to be a better person. It teachers me that we are all so different and yet feel so many of the same emotions, even if we don't post about them all. I know that we can all benefit from being more empathetic and understanding of each other's differences and be more supportive of the things people do choose to post about because it's a wonderful thing to be content with who you are as a person even if you don't always agree with what's being posted by someone else.

 To me, that is the silver lining to our sometimes negative BragBook world.