It's hard to write about things that aren't joyful.

This post is dedicated to the current day, for making me feel things.
Today has really made me feel it all. I sometimes wish I were an artist, who paints to express herself when she's unable to form the words. Or to be like a musician, like the one I get to marry, when he feels so strongly about certain things that he just picks up his guitar and starts strumming and great things happen, he all around feels better.

So often, I pick up a piece of paper and pen and start writing and then my thoughts get away from me and my poor hand can't keep up with how fast my thoughts come from my mind. They're spewing out and can't be contained or stopped and my palm hurts and then I'm just annoyed that I feel these feelings and think these thoughts and can't even get them out on paper fast enough to make myself feel better, less anxious.
 You artists and musicians, you're so lucky. 

It's so odd writing about life experiences that aren't necessarily positive. Actually, I shouldn't even say that. Gosh, you have no idea how easy it is to type a ridiculous amount of words right now and then hold down the delete button and make my current page white again. It's hard to write about things that aren't joyful. 

I feel like every time I publish a blog, I go off on tangents. I have this set idea in my mind and then I start typing about something, my mind goes every which way and then I didn't even cross the point of the post or what I figured would be the point by the end of it. It's so weird that just typing makes me feel better than I did five minutes ago, but it also feels so vulnerable to put my words out there for just anyone to read. Literally anyone in the world can read this and feel things from reading it; they can agree with it and disagree with it and they have the ability to comment about my thoughts and feelings with their own thoughts and feelings. It's wild. I do my best to not feel stressed about it. Because that would truly defeat this purpose. 
Perhaps that's my point, to always leave here feeling better. That's what writing usually does for me. Perhaps that can be my undertaking, to hope that you read my thoughts and ponder your own and maybe feel lighter.

See what just happened there? I went off on a tangent about going off on tangents. 
Here's to being human! 

Today, I felt sadness, I cried, I laughed, I felt frustrated and like I didn't understand but wanted to, I felt slightly upset, I felt cold and alive, I felt warmed by the sun and grateful that it was out and then later, the sunset made me feel small and that there is just so much more to our daily lives than feeling frustration or sadness or any other feeling at that. Does the sunset do that to you too? 

I'm thankful that life sometimes hands me unfortunate events.
I feel as though we need trying and troubling times to better appreciate all the smooth and happy times. This balance is important. We need the sad times to be brought closer to the people in our lives, to show each other love and express how we feel towards one another at all times because you truly never know if it will be the last time we see one another. This is always something I could be better about. To never leave each other upset. To always leave your loved ones with kind words and a warm embrace. To always take the time to put your phone down and give each other undivided attention, especially when one is going through a harder time. To constantly be willing to connect. To always be respectful and say you're sorry or that you appreciate someone or love them. 
Never fear these actions and words. 
 
Tuesdays are usually a day that doesn't get much recognition but today is worth recognizing. We may have attended a funeral, we may have felt terribly sad, things may not have gone our way, conversations may have turned and it may have been a lot colder outside than it's been but we're still here, we're breathing, we're supporting each other, we're sad together, we'll get through it together. I felt sadness and I'm positive it doesn't even compare with the amount of sadness felt by others. That's being a human, feeling things, feeling for others, being in it together, side by side.

Jeez, there is probably no point to this post, yet again. I have simply rambled my feelings and stuff but I suppose I do feel better. I feel light. I feel the universe listening. I actually feel hungry now too. 
But anyways, life is crazy, sad, happy, weird, and a beautiful thing. 
Period. 
Oh! If I didn't quite make you feel good yet, I'm pretty sure if you're reading this you're fortunate enough to have a computer or laptop or cellphone, so that's cool and someone in your life loves you and at one point or another someone has probably pictured you naked and that probably made them happy in that moment so I hope you feel happy now too.

 

'BragBook'

Do you remember when you could only have a Facebook account if you were in college? Everyone in the world could have a MySpace account but you couldn’t have Facebook until you signed up with a college email address. I felt so excited in 2006 when I graduated high school, to finally be apart of this world. I’m pretty sure I left my college orientation that Fall and went home to set up my Facebook account. I blame it on the craze we went through, having giant cream colored box like things called computers with tiny black screens and green letters (which makes me feel a super intense desire to play Oregon Trail), to smaller desk top computers, having no cell phones and then getting big handheld Nokia phones that you had to pull the antenna out for for better reception. I blame it on the newness of it all; this technology based world that was about to slap us in the face and never let us walk away from. I’m sure some of my elders find this funny even, because they went through having absolutely none of these things to all of them.

Facebook started to feel different later on when all our parents, relatives and even grandparents joined. I’m sure some of us cut down on posting certain pictures or writing a particular status for fear of who would see it, it was already becoming an edited life. Think of what Mark Zuckerberg was trying to accomplish by allowing anyone and everyone the ability to join. Connections. He wanted to be able to connect people, whether it be for personal or business reasons and growth. 

I've been so turned off by something that used to make me feel excited and happy; something that used to take me over for hours on end, in a good way. I could never understand how people did not have a Facebook account. Like, what do you mean you don't have Facebook? I now fully understand how people do not have Facebook. You choose to connect with people in the only real way and I applaud you for that.

Facebook is what we make it, sure, but it's taken a turn towards being hurtful and negative and it sadly does not shock me anymore. I hate to say this. We've become a world where some of us only connect through text messaging, emails and Facebook messages and chats, Instagrams and Snaps, not through face to face conversation and definitely not voice conversations on the phone. This is something that I'm guilty of but am lately feeling a strong desire to bringing it back to where life once was, talking 'organically,' the old fashioned way. But then there's also the other side of it, understanding that most people these days will not connect with you in this way. Ahem, millennials-- (which had I been born six years earlier, I wouldn't be apart of. But I am and I do fit the labels to some extent). This is something that I need to understand and accept. I admit, sometimes I see your name on my caller ID and I just let it go to voicemail. But it's only cause we've conditioned our minds and personalities to become awkward and weird on the phone because we're only used to typing what we feel and what we need to say. We aren't comfortable just being human anymore apparently. How do we train ourselves to be more comfortable feeling and saying and being?

I once heard someone call Facebook “BragBook” and I find that it could not be more fitting. This may not necessarily be accurate anymore, cause I don't get on much to see every post, but a good majority of my friends only post life's accomplishments, times of happiness and successes. But we all have to understand that hardship is still there, even though it's rarely  posted about. Remember that each relationship, mine included, goes through hard times. It's not all sunshine and butterflies but I, myself, am guilty of only posting the happy times and neglecting to post the struggles. I find myself taking full part in BragBook. I post so infrequently because I have a hard time with thinking that I have to prove to the world that I live a happy life. I don't feel like I need to show people this in order to feel it, like that would solidify the feeling or something. This is my dilemma, people. I'm torn between showing and publishing the good, the bad, the extremely hideous and than having every single person and their Mother voice their opinions about my life. Can you imagine what it would be like to be a celebrity or well known person or blogger and to have to be stronger than everyone's unkind words and opinions of you that clearly nobody is afraid to post in the comment section of your Facebook, blog or life? I'm assuming they are confident hiding behind the screen and the typed words and probably would never say such things to your face, but I could be wrong. I have to remind myself that we are all so different and that is okay. We are entitled to our opinions.

Writing is therapy to me; it makes me feel happy, uplifted. But I have found that writing for myself and writing something knowing the world has the ability to read, well, that changes things. I'm a very straight forward person but I find myself editing my words, my pictures and only choosing to post tidbits here and there of the good and the positive. Although with the right mindset, there is little bad in life. It's a constant practice, always searching for the silver lining to the challenges and the sadness in life, but it can be done. It's much easier said than done, I admit. But it's definitely something to shoot for. I had someone confront me once, or assume, I should say, on Facebook, that I didn't understand struggle or hardship. It's not that I don't or haven't experienced it, it's just that I don't choose to post about it. But maybe I should. Would that make people understand that through all the happy and positive posts, I, and others, still feel low, sad, hurt and depressed at times? Because it's truly okay to feel these things even though people don't choose to post about them. 

The one negative that I've realized through avoiding Facebook is having no freaking clue what goes on in people's lives. The family far away or that you don't see often, the friends you've moved away from or simply people in your life that you see once and awhile, you are forced to connect with via snail mail, through sending a card, which I love, and just making it a point to reach out to them in order to meet up with them and connect face to face, have a real conversation. I always tell myself to get on Facebook real quick, before seeing certain people to see what's happening in their life recently, like you would do a bit of research before a job interview. It helps with striking up those conversations.

Instead of losing myself in scrolling through Facebook these days, I lose myself scrolling through blogs with beautiful pictures, stories of travel that make me consider changing my profession and constantly adventure around our amazing world. I loose myself in reading the words written by optimistic, inspiring and educated people with greater life experiences than myself. I loose myself in these outlets because it makes me feel happy and inspired and want to be a better person. It teachers me that we are all so different and yet feel so many of the same emotions, even if we don't post about them all. I know that we can all benefit from being more empathetic and understanding of each other's differences and be more supportive of the things people do choose to post about because it's a wonderful thing to be content with who you are as a person even if you don't always agree with what's being posted by someone else.

 To me, that is the silver lining to our sometimes negative BragBook world.

Nothing Important. Or Everything.

Blog hiatus! 
 I truly would enjoy blogging so often, I don't have to start off by commenting on how long it's been.  
The last time I published a post was shortly before our adventure to Europe in April. I know, I really should have blogged about that trip. I want you to know that I had every intention. I wrote notes down the entire time. Each day I spent a few minutes doing so, so it would be easier for me to write about it, remember all the good parts. Who am I kidding? The entire time was a good part. And in the end, what do you know, I never did. The pressure was too much. Like Oragami, I folded. I folded under pressure. 
Gosh, I love that one.

Hm, I suppose I still can. But will I? Probably not, I'll be honest. I should post about Europe, my Golden Birthday spent in Germany, our trip to Alaska. And you can bet I have a trillion pictures taken on all these occasions, that would be lovely to share as well. I need to get my shit together.

But right now, I'm going to live in the moment. Onward and upward! I'm not going to think about all the times I've neglected to blog.
  

Right now, I'm thinking, "Gosh, this feels so good." To currently feel like publishing a post. To want to connect, to voice my feelings, to talk with you again. I’m going to do it regularly. I’m going to become better about this, be consistent, make it a point. I always laugh at how similar blogging is to my work out regimen or lack of. I get into it for like a month or two and then I eat cookies or something or I get a cold and “see you again in two months, work out life, it's been real!”

  
I don’t always stay in blog mode even though I know it makes me feel like a hundred bucks. Gosh, working out does too, why is it so hard for me to commit? I commit to all other things in life, my cats, cleaning all the time, I'm a nut, I know kissing Joel on the regular, doing the dishes every day. But working out? Blogging? Pssh. Fat chance. Literally.
 

It comes down to neglecting to post my thoughts when they aren’t anything but positive. That's why you don't hear from me. Perhaps that's why I stay away for awhile, I go on vacation, to cleanse my thoughts. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. What’s the point of venting, of complaining and being negative and focusing on anything but the good in life, when, my goodness, that’s all the world is up to lately!  Negative this, negative that! Hillary Clinton this, Donald Trump that! Lets go fishing for the good, shall we? I just think that if words shall be said to one another, or published on the internet, they shall be delightful, uplifting, or funny. Whose with me? Can I be your refuge? Can my blog be the place you come when you need to feel inspired, uplifted and happy? When you need a laugh? 

I do have to say, I may not make you laugh though. I used to be a lot funnier. I used to make you laugh, I know I did. I look back on posts from the olden days and literally laugh out loud. My thoughts were so funny back then. I was funny! I won’t get into it. I won’t get into how old my soul truly is now it gets worse as the years go on, imagine that or how I go to bed at 9pm on week nights. And it even used to be earlier! Like, I'm talking 8pm, people! I'm kind of a bad ass lately. I have the time change in Europe to thank for that one. Or maybe that's just in my head? This is me high fiving myself, either way.

Anyways, I just want to be here, be present, put my phone down, focus more. Focus more on the good. I want to give my negative thoughts the bird, and tell them that they have no reason to be here. We can always be better about that. Changing our thoughts and making room only for the good, the positive, leaving no room for the negative to enter.

I commit to feeling good about here. Where ever here may be, in any given day. Here, there, everywhere.

Here is a feeling, a place, a state of mind. And I know that through all the negative, unfortunate things that are going on in the world, or that happen even on a daily basis with anyone, everyone or perhaps no one, that we can get through it. It's in our mindset. I know that there are people, who do the best that they can to constantly remind themselves to be better, kinder, more accepting, more loving and just be a solid human, all around. I try and be that person. You be that person. Encourage yourself to be better. Encourage your tribe to be better. Remind your people to respond in a kind way, always, with a better tone, not so harshly. Understand that people don't always think the way you do, or do the way you do. I am constantly reminding myself of this in my relationship, especially, and it's something I can always improve on. We owe it to ourselves and the people in our lives to be a solid human, to be kind, to be accepting, to not let differences get in the way of friendships, or how we empathize. Lets all be solid humans for each other. Because that's what we all need. Always.   

Practice, practice

 

I only like being spontaneous if it's planned.

Good morning! It's still morning isn't it? 

Happy day, all! It's been awhile! 

The sun is shining, the wind is gusting hard and it looks a whole lot warmer than it actually is outside. I woke up to snow covered grass this morning and for some reason didn't feel annoyance with it, as I've done in years past. I feel thankful for our very mild first Winter back in the Midwest. I was a little leary of spending Winter here and not in sunny Colorado for the first time in almost three years but it's been incredibly enjoyable. Every snow fall, I feel myself being excited instead of glum. 

What comes hand in hand this Spring, along with more sunshine and longer days, is my trip to Ireland. 22 days and I'll be flying from Minneapolis to Chicago, another overnight flight and I'll be waking up in Dublin. My Fiance' and I hoped to adventure there at this time last year but then ended up just moving our life back home to the Midwest so we pushed the trip to the back burner, but only for a little while. What better place to spend my Golden Birthday, than Dublin, Ireland? Or perhaps a quaint town outside of Dublin to better fit my personality these days. I am morphing more and more into an introvert with every passing day. Perhaps the pubs of Dublin will nudge me right back into the social, out spoken being I was once. Not that I'm no longer outspoken. I latched onto the idea of spending my Golden Birthday in Europe and I refused to let go of it. It's only your Golden Birthday once! And I'm grabbing that shit by the horns. 

Joel, my Fiance' is in Ireland now, exploring venues, making contacts, scheduling shows and bettering his music business. He is having the best time meeting people and sending me pictures to make me even more excited to meet him there and spend the last week of his tour with him. He turned 29 two days ago and got to spend his Birthday there as well. Although, I wasn't with him on his day, he spent it doing something that he loves and that's what's most important. I always find myself feeling so grateful that we both think travel is something that's important in our lives. We've both been so fortunate to travel like we have and experience different places around the world together. We were in Spain, sitting in the hot tub at our resort when we first talked about moving in with each other. That year, we moved our lives to Colorado and lived together for the first time and it was everything I thought it would be, and more. More untidiness, more guitar, more dishes, but also more love and laughter. Colorado is where he started doing his music business full time and no longer balanced his music with his landscaping business. As we moved our lives back to the Midwest last June, he's started working more for a buddies business, and is having to balance both jobs again. Bettering himself as a musician and getting as many people to hear his music and connect with them, collaborating with other musicians, well, these are all things that are important to him. Traveling to other amazing places in the world is something that he wants to do as long as he can, as long as he's able and that is great for his music business too. Friends, everywhere! And fans of Joel Kachel and his music. I will always support him in that.

Galway, Ireland

Thoughtful Snaps.

Joel found my initials in Galway.

Our time in Ireland will be less music business and more adventure and hand holding. Also,  ridiculous amounts of pictures and snaps that will blow up all your feeds while I'm there. 

Perhaps, I'll feel extremely inspired to blog while I'm there. The sun did it to me this morning, so anticipating crazy amounts of rain during my time there, perhaps maybe not. You bet your booty that I immediately started googling and reading everything possible about Ireland once my ticket was bought. Give me all the facts, I must know the facts! I've accepted the fact that it will most likely rain the whole time, so that if there's a sunny day, I'll feel extremely happy. I've accepted that things may not always go according to plan and that I need to keep an open mind and be spontaneous. Joel is the most spontaneous, randomness-loving-person and I've always said, I only enjoy being spontaneous if it's planned. I have a hard time accepting unpleasant surprises and curve balls in my day or life. Good thing, my ever understanding Fiance' will be at my side to remind me that we don't always need to follow a schedule and to lighten the heck up a little bit. Maybe Ireland will give me cool things to write about other than just my current thoughts. What makes my thoughts cool enough to publish, anyways? 

One For the Books

After Joel proposed to me three weekends ago, I told myself that it was the perfect opportunity to blog, and tell the world that way, since it had been so long since I've posted anything. Good thing we decided to let the cat out of the bag over other forms of social media because you guys would still have no idea if I would have waited to blog. I'm extremely good at putting things off. Then again, Joel and I thoroughly enjoyed keeping such a fun secret between us the first few nights, aside from telling our families, of course, the ones that needed to know.

We had our trip to Colorado planned for a few months, Joel had two shows scheduled for a Friday and Saturday night, both at the same venue. We'd get in Friday morning and leave Sunday morning. It was going to be a short, sweet visit, and oh, my goodness, it was. It could not have been more perfect. 

A few years ago, Joel coincidentally got to play the lounge area of Comedy Works in Denver, between Kevin Nealon's stand up sets. If you aren't familiar with Kevin Nealon, look him up and listen to some of his stand up. He's hilarious. He played the role of Doug Wilson in the show WEEDS that came out on HBO in 2005. It was so fun for us to meet him and realize that his personality is pretty much the exact same as the character he played on the show. Joel felt amazing as Kevin sat on the patio, ate his dinner, reviewed his note cards for the show and was almost always the first person to clap for Joel as he'd finish a song. The second time Kevin came to Denver, Joel asked to play the lounge area again and was able to. Of course, Joel wasn't going to pass up the third time he came. That was reason in itself for Joel to make the trip to Colorado, to keep that rapport going. I was lucky enough to tag along. 

We got into Denver about 7am on Friday morning, got in our rental car and turned the radio on to an interview of Kevin Nealon, promoting his stand up that night and the following. Immediate smiles on our faces. 

After breakfast and coffee, we headed to the center that I worked at to give a hug to each and every one of my former coworkers, director, and owner, and chat about life. Joel took a nap in the car. Literally four of my coworkers asked when Joel and I were going to get married. "You guys have been together for like six and half years!" I found this to be such a weird coincidence at the end of the day.

After about two hours there, we headed to our best friend's house to see them and their little man and Niece, who are both so freaking cute and are getting way too big. Our time there was too short, but I'm so happy they were apart of the day. They were just another aspect that made it great.

 Joel was adamant on buying me a new outfit or something special, so we headed to my favorite boutique in Loveland, Vintage Willows. This was a clue, but something I paid absolutely no attention to. I left with some new bras, a couple pairs of jeans and we were off to Macy's to get Joel some new attire as well. 

After more shopping, and new shoes for me, after not having spent a penny on myself, we were headed down to Denver to check in to our hotel. I felt like it was my Birthday, you guys. What the heck was the occasion? Nothing registered. 

As I was getting ready, Joel faked a phone call and mentioned that the venue had over booked, so he wouldn't be playing until tomorrow, although we would still be going for dinner tonight. The venue was close to the hotel we were staying at and I was familiar with the venue so when he drove us elsewhere, I felt like something fishy was going on. "There's got to be some sort of event going on, there's people everywhere! I wonder what's going on," I said. Event signs everywhere, parking signs here and here. When Joel pulled into the parking lot that was titled "$20 Parking," I couldn't figure out why Joel insisted on paying $20 to park when we could have just gone and parked at the venue. He assured me that it was super close and that we were just going to walk. People were tailgating, drinking, what the heck was going on? As Joel started laughing at the fact that I was almost mad at him for  paying so much for parking, he pulled out some tickets and told us what we were really doing tonight, going to see Dave Matthews. It was hot but a beautiful night for a concert outside, so I was excited and in complete shock that he was able to hold in such a surprise without ruining it with his natural excitement, as he usually does. 

The concert venue was outside and had thee coolest outdoor art museum next to it. Anyone who knows me, knows I have an obsession with trees, am a big fan of willow trees to be exact, so to walk underneath a dome made out of willow trees, vines and leaves, was like heaven to me. Picture those old, metal, dome jungle gyms that we played on at playgrounds in the 80's. It was like that, made out of trees. Ugh, you guys! The dome was completely filled with people the first time we walked underneath it. Joel knew it wasn't the time. We continued on towards the other sculptures and eventually Joel mentioned going back to the dome to get a picture under it. Here I am, still oblivious. We walked under, as everyone was walking out and it was perfect, just us and a worker for the event, a random couple sitting towards one side. Joel put his phone on video mode and gave it to the event worker to "take a picture." 

 

Every time I have watched this video since, I laugh at how thrown off I am at the fact that I had no idea he had this planned. Planned for the last month and planned right down to the exact spot that we were standing. You can literally see it in me. I had no clue. I enjoy surprises, but I like to have control. It completely took me off guard, I didn't know what to say, my mouth couldn't form words and I swear, I blacked out. So, it's a great thing he got it on video. As you can hear, me yelling, "Noo. Nooo, no you're not," completely over-powers what he's saying, but it went along the lines of, "You smell, you're ugly, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" We have the most playful, sarcastic, yet loving relationship, that I'm so happy he asked me like that. I tell people that that's what he said and you should see the looks I get. We are both such emotional humans and I know if he would have been serious, we both would have been crying like babies. I know now that our only hope of a wedding ceremony without constant tears, will be a sarcastic one. 

After my nerves calmed a bit, we headed back inside and found a spot to sit on the grass to watch the show that was going to be starting shortly. I felt super awesome and like I wanted to just feel this awesome feeling with just Joel for awhile. We couldn't not tell our parents, so I sent them a text, with a picture, saying that I now had a Fiance'. I love social media, and posting about our lives but I just wanted to enjoy this feeling between the two of us, we wanted to drink it all in on our own. The show was amazing, as usual, such insane levels of talent and so inspiring for Joel to watch. We left shortly before the show ended, avoided the crowd and ridiculous amounts of traffic and went back to our hotel, being newly engaged and literally high on life. I purposely had three beers all night and felt so 'there,' so present and I'm so glad for that. 

Fiance' not Boyfriend

The next morning, we woke up, ate the best complimentary breakfast I've ever had, maybe because we were still high on life and love, but who cares, and headed to Denver Botanic Gardens, a place we never got to visiting while living there. The weekend was about the get even lovelier, if that was possible. The day was way too hot, but so beautiful and I was in my happy place, surrounded by green and too many flowers, fountains and sculptures and at the side of the one that loves me enough to want to do life with me. We noticed a bench, with words written on it, that really stuck out to us. 

"Never above you, never below you, always with you." 

We've always had a very balanced, fair relationship but we understand that sometimes in life, it's easy to slip from this mindset, seeing each other as equals, not one being superior to the other and vice versa. Because we're saps, we decided right here, in front of this bench that we would do our best to always remember this. We're always on the same team, we'll always support each other and constantly remember that even though we sometimes do life differently, we are always rooting for each other. A team! 

After stopping by another friend's and sharing the news with everyone we came in contact with, we were finally headed to the venue that Joel was scheduled to play at. A lovely night on the patio with friends, turned into popping a bottle of celebratory and complimentary champagne from the venue, getting into the comedy show for free, laughing our butts off, chatting with Kevin Nealon a bit afterwards and getting a signed CD and DVD from him.

 

 The weekend was truly ours, you guys.